Dr. Apt & Chemo (3/6 & 3/7)

AHHHHHH!!!

ok I'm good...

Where to even begin..let's first talking about this "dr. apt." he had on Tuesday....well we got there that morning & had to go to sedation because Cole had a hearing test, MRI, catscan, xray and all that scheduled.  Well the sedation dr. gave Cole Precedex for his hearing test.  After the hearing test he started waking up so when he got his MRI/etc. they then gave him Propofol...ok so he had to be sedated twice...yeah twice in one day.  At the time, I was ok with it because I knew they had to get these tests, but the more I think about it it aggrivates me!  Why 2x?  Ya know...it's ridiculous.  Then after his tests he had to meet with his dietician then had to go to his Physical Therapy eval.  After ALLLLL of this he was suppose to get his VP-16 (chemo), but he was so out of it they said for us to come back the following day.  They normally make us stay there until the sleepy medicine wears completely off, but they told us we could go & Lordy be was he grouchy and tired by the time we got home.  He went to sleep & slept till 7pm then went back to sleep at 8pm & woke up at 8am.  Man...I don't see how he does it.  I honestly think my little 11 mo. old is much stronger than I am & I'm a darn adult! 

Cole's chemo treatment on Wednesday was bitter sweet.  We were told this was his last treatment of VP-16 before he goes in for his transplant.  I/We are so use to the schedule of coming and coming to Children's weekly/biweekly for his chemo that it's weird not to be going anymore.  I told the nurses that they'll need to come visit me in 4 west while Cole's doing his transplant to keep me sain! LOL...they agreed laughingly! 

It seems to surreal to think that in just a few short weeks that Cole will be admitted for his transplant.  It felt like this time would never come, but now that it's close I'm terrified.  Ok I admitted it..I'm scared...but do you blame me?  My hearts telling me God has this Laci just chill, but of course my being the one to overanalyze is going to be a worry wart.  I just keep replaying this picture in my mind of a scared lifeless pale little boy just looking at me like WHY ME!?...I pray to God everyday all day to strengthen Cole's body to withstand what is to come & to mentally have me ready for what is to come....

Everytime I have any doubt about his procedure I just turn to look at Cole & either he smiles or does something goofy & he totally distracts me & I'm so thankful for that.  I TRULY believe that God knows what he's doing.  & I believe that I spiritually & mentally needed to be strengthened and he's doing that by placing Cole in my life.  I can't wait for Cole to get older & to show him this blog of step-by-step what he went through to show him how strong he truly is.  When he has a weak moment I'll be there to remind him about the journey is endured!!

I feel so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have 10,000 things/feelings going through my mind...what's going to happen, how will Cole be, how will I be, how will Chris & our family be, Is our business going to continue to prosper, Are we going to financially be able to do all of this...etc!  The list goes on & on about my worries!  I just have to lay them at the foot of the cross & know that my Lord & Savior WILL take care of us!

I don't want this blog to turn into me, me, me, I, I, I...but gosh this feels good to vent what I've been holding in!  You better believe that I'll be blogging daily in the hospital!!

You know I really wish that my child wouldn't have this horrible disease, but gosh it could be worse.  There is a little girl that's Cole's age that also has HLH & she will have to have a liver transplant at some time...WOW...can you imagine!  Then I have a cousin...a beautiful, strong cousin that has stage 3 breast cancer....she's so young!, but her faith WILL pull her through this...Calynn we love you soooo much!

I just have to continue to pray & stay strong...that's all we can do!

-Cole's Mommy


“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19